It’s been a week since my last blog, which is down to the fact that I have been incredibly busy at work, and have also come down with the lurgy again, which has sapped all energy from me, and as I have highlighted previously, that energy is already in short supply. Regardless of the cold/flu, the daily grind has been getting me down, and I’ve lost a substantial amount of enthusiasm and motivation. My life doesn’t hold any excitement or spontaneity, and while this precipitates a reduction in anxiety, it also leads to a feeling of monotony, and the notion I’m just living out each day. My mind isn’t challenged, and I’m always on autopilot. Any potential for spontaneous moments, or breaking of my routine, causes a great deal of discomfort and anxiety, and therefore I don’t engage in it whatsoever. I just feel like I’m floating through each day without really noticing what’s happening, or where I’m headed. I don’t want to float, I want to soar.
That’s not to say that my days don’t have their positive moments. Small glimpses offer me some pleasure, and these are almost without exception interactions with friends, colleagues or family. But these moments feel like snow falling in London; fleeting, and gone far too quickly. I feel like I’m not going anywhere in my life, and perhaps that’s the reason why I am not enjoying it. If I take a look at where I was 5, 10 years ago, both literally and mentally, I have not progressed to any significant degree. My greatest fear is the same will be true if I look back in another 5 years time, and I will have remained in limbo, never quite finding my purpose or my passion. Next Saturday I’m off work for 2 weeks: 7 days in Dubai visiting family, and then 7 days back home on the coast for Easter. I’m looking forward to the change of scenery, and for an escape from my predictable repetitiveness that I’m experiencing at the moment. However I read a quote from Rob Hill Sr who said, “My goal is to build a life I don’t need a vacation from”. I don’t want my life to be something I have to escape from, but rather I want it to be something that makes me jump out of bed in the morning, full of curiosity of what the day ahead holds. This would be substantially preferable to my current grudging acceptance of spending another day not knowing how to fill my time, or how to give myself purpose, or present my life with a meaning or direction. I crave for my life to mean something, and I yearn to be able to cherish every waking second, knowing that I am getting everything I possibly can out of it. But mostly I just want to be happy. But alas, I don’t know how to find that holy grail, and that sadly, is the biggest heartache of them all.