Art Imitating Life

Cinema is a big passion of mine, as it is one of the few pursuits that allows a total escape from reality, and a departure from everyday worries and emotional pain. Books and TV also provide this path to escapism, but cinema is the master of this craft as it is a full sensory experience, where you can forget within moments of the opening credits that you are sat in an air conditioned building in Tottenham Court Road. You can leave your worries and baggage at the door, and inhabit a new world for the next precious few hours.

There are two types of movies for me, the ones that engage me, and the ones that affect me. A good proportion of films that are released act as a way to pass the time, and can excite, shock, scare and allow the eyes to widen with wonder. However, there are also those releases that deeply affect the way I feel, whether because they reflect an aspect of my life, or mimic the way I am feeling at that particular moment in time. In the last few weeks I have seen three films that have had this effect on me; La La Land, Manchester By The Sea and T2 Trainspotting, all to varying degrees. The three films couldn’t be further apart in their stories, settings and characters; however they very perceptibly share some common human themes: regret, nostalgia, loss of hope, ageing and relationships. At various points throughout these three movies I felt deep wells of sadness, poignancy and sorrow, not just at the predicaments the characters faced, but also because I could relate to the thoughts and feelings that the characters were experiencing. Particularly the ideas of nostalgia and regret, as looking back and imagining how things could have turned out differently is a constant source of discomfort for myself. In La La Land there is actually a montage where a character pictures how a particular moment in time, if tackled in a different way, could have led to a completely different life, and it felt like the director had plucked  these series of thoughts straight out of my head.

Movies can act as powerful emotional triggers, and have a unique ability to affect you to the very core. Why do people watch sad films, especially people like myself who suffer from depression and emotional struggles? To the outside it may seem a tad perverse intentionally putting yourself through the emotional ringer, and surely it would be preferable to watch a happy and uplifting movie? It’s very difficult to answer this, but I can posit a few theories. Firstly, there is a fascination with seeing how characters navigate through dark episodes and experiences, which can in turn make you feel like your own story is being represented upon the big screen. They can help us analyse our own foibles and emotional frustrations, without having the pain of actually going through them ourselves. Perhaps it makes us feel like we are not alone in our struggles, and can engender a sense of reflection that we all need to engage with at one time or another.

It’s also true that any strong emotion makes us feel more alive. It’s not just exercise that produces endorphins, but also strong surges in emotion, whether positive or negative. It’s perhaps inevitable that we are drawn to stories that reflect our own emotions; and a feeling of fiction induced sadness, whilst uncomfortable at the time, can lead to assurances that we have an ability to feel, and an ability accept our emotions. For instance, I am not going to be able to adequately relate to an action film, or a sci-fi adventure, as I have no experience of these topics, but a film involving a character struggling with their emotions, that’s something I can get on board with.

Maybe there is credence to the notion that by seeing characters experience, deal with, and possibly overcome certain life events and mental strife can give us hope that we are potentially able to do the same. It might make us feel less alone knowing that other people are thinking the same thoughts, and experiencing the same lows, albeit in a fictional setting. This may not lead directly to an improvement in mental health, but at least it could foster a sense of satisfaction that our story is shared by others. It is perhaps inescapable that when you are in a period of depression, you are drawn to media that reflects your own personal mental state, rather than ‘uplifting’ music or films which counter-intuitively would not help improve your mood, but rather emphasise how far away you are from the faux happiness exuded by these pieces of work.

These are just theories though, and I can’t categorically state why emotionally challenging art causes such a draw. All I know is that these 3 films in particular deeply affected me, and left me with a sense of melancholia that persisted for some time after leaving the cinema. Not necessarily in an unpleasant way, but rather as a way of inducing a strong sense of reflective contemplation. My only hope is that one day I will have no desire to watch these type of films, because they will no longer be able to act as a mirror to my own life, and will instead merely act as a reminder of a previous dark time. That is the hope anyway.

 

 

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Katelyn

At the weekend a news story went viral about a 12 year old American girl taking her own life and live streaming the whole event on social media. Katelyn Nicole Davis from Georgia recorded a 42 minute video in her backyard on 30th December, featuring a heartbreaking explanation to camera as to why she was deciding to end her life, followed by her apparently hanging herself from a tree in the fading daylight. The news story focused upon the fact that the tragic event unfolded live on the internet, with the potential ramifications of this, and the inevitable difficulties in attempting to take the video down, as there is no legal obligation to do so (although the moral obligation is undisputed). Whilst the manner of her suicide being carried out for the world to see is clearly a significant concern, it was not what stuck with me when reading the multitude of articles that sprang up on Saturday. Clearly issues of social media and the ways that people live out their lives on the web is a big feature of society in the 21st century, and one that cannot go unanalysed. However, what concerned me more was that a 12 year old girl felt that her only option was to cut short her life, with all of it’s undeniable potential, because she believed she had nowhere else to turn to. In an age where we can put a man on the moon, travel to the other side of the world in less than 24 hours, and discover cures for natures most deadly of diseases, how can we find ourselves reading about a little girl in so much pain and anguish that her only option was to cease living?

I haven’t watched the video myself (why anyone would want to I can’t imagine), but some of the articles showed pictures and featured transcripts of her final words. Apparently she was abused mentally and physically by her step father, as well as having suffered with depression and a tendency to self harm for many years. And all that by the age of 12. It’s impossible to know exactly what was going on within her mind, and what support (if any) she was receiving from her family and friends. But what is clear is that her final words are both chilling and devastating:

“I’m sorry – I’m sorry that I’m not pretty enough…I’m sorry I came into your lives just to get out of it this quickly. I’m sorry for everything. I’m really and truly sorry for everything. But I can’t do this. I’m sorry…I’m sorry everyone. I’m sorry I let this depression get to me.”

See how many times she apologises. She has been the victim of abuse, and of a terrible illness, and yet she is the one saying sorry. Society should be apologising to Katelyn for letting her down. Depression really is such an irrational illness, which causes you to despise and blame yourself for everything. She has allowed the dark thoughts and feelings of hopelessness to infest and take over her mind, and this is something I can relate to as it is a daily challenge that is faced by many people. But what is impossible to grasp is how for a 12 year old girl these thoughts and feelings prevented her from seeing any other way out.

We live in an incredibly connected world, in which communication with people in the far reaches of the planet is possible at the touch of a button. However, this network of connectivity can further highlight the feelings of loneliness or isolation that the mentally vulnerable feel, rather than providing an outlet for compassionate consideration. The loneliest of moments are often not during times of being on ones own, but rather when one is surrounded by others, both physically or virtually, as you are privy to the kinds of human relationships or successes that you fiercely yearn for. Rather than a casual sense of longing that you may feel when alone, this becomes a source of desperate painful longing when you see these relationships existing in the real world, but just out reach.

Depression is without doubt this centuries biggest health crisis. It’s not good enough that someone may have to wait 12 or 18 months before getting therapy that may save their life. It’s not good enough that systematic child abuse goes unchallenged and unpunished. And it’s not good enough that depression plays a part in at least 50% of all suicides, and that the statistics are going in the wrong direction. I know that every time I feel that the darkness is enveloping me, or that I am not strong enough to go on coping, I will think of Katelyn. We cannot let this illness keep on killing, and we have to ask ourselves some very stark questions. Is enough being done? No. Is there a quick and obvious fix. Not really. Do we need to do something at all costs? Without question. The tragedy is that for Katelyn it is already too late.