The particular void that I presently find myself in is persisting much longer than usual, and I’m not exactly sure of the reason for this. I’ve become accustomed to an acceptance that depression works to its own timetable, and I can never second guess or question its process. The ‘black dog’ does what it wants to, and no leash can ever contain its inevitable wanderings. “Take one day at a time” is the old mantra, but by following that logic I get stuck in a persistent cycle where each day blends into the next, and it’s as though I’ve taken on the role of a robot, where autopilot is a constant state of affairs. I am trying to drag myself free, but do not know how to.
I thought it may be helpful to myself, and to others, to list the thoughts, feelings and physical sensations that I experience. As difficult as it is to confine them to print, it’s the only way of facing them as opposed to ignoring or trying to forget them:
- “I shouldn’t be feeling like this”
- “I’m weak and not what a man should be”
- I don’t want to be me any more”
- “I’ve done something to upset someone. Should I say sorry even though I don’t know what I’ve done. If they don’t like me anymore then I am even more alone”
- “I will always be alone. No one will love me.”
- “I must be highly unattractive both inside and out. Why would anyone ever want to be with me?”
- “I could have done things so differently, but now it’s too late”
- “I will die before I experience happiness”
- “I want people to ask me if I’m ok”
- “I don’t want people to ask if I’m ok. I will only have to lie.”
- “It’s too late for me to change”
- “I want to stop feeling like this.”
- Deep sadness
- Constant uncontrollable negative worries running through the mind
- Combination of wanting others to reach out to me, but also to be invisible and go unnoticed
- Heart pounding extremely fast, as though having a heart attack
- Constant perspiration – leading to more self consciousness
- Extreme fatigue
- Feeling jumpy and constantly on edge
- Stomach aches/cramps
- Inability to relax/concentrate
- OCD elements – constantly checking things…need constant reassurance
- Habits, nervous subconscious ticks
These are merely the sensations that are in my mind at the moment, and are by no means an exhaustive list. I believe this demonstrates the 3 pillars that are at work (thoughts/feelings/physical sensations), and that all of them feed into each other, again highlighting the cyclical nature of anxiety and depression. Negative thoughts may trigger a unhelpful emotion, which in turn precipitates an unfavourable physical reaction. That physical reaction can then lead to more negative thoughts, which starts the cycle again.
I must emphasise that many of these thoughts and feelings are irrational, in the sense that I realise I shouldn’t be having them, or that they have no foundation in truth. But the part of the brain that can rationalise my thought processes is sadly overpowered by the part that is consumed with these uncontrollable irrational thoughts. Which is why it’s so difficult to have people say “you’re worrying about things that don’t matter”. Unfortunately that is not my choice, whether I like it or not. An oft unmentioned part of the illness is an OCD like tendency to constantly check things over and over again, whether it be a message, or the state of my appearance, or whether the heating has been turned off. I have to keep rechecking them in order to quiet the roaring animal inside of me that is forcing these negative thoughts into my brain.
The one time of the day I am temporarily in a semi-peaceful state is on the train to work in the morning, when I plug in my music, close my eyes and imagine I’m somewhere else, and someone else. My nervous energy prevents me from concentrating on reading, and so I try to relax my mind by switching my visual senses off, and focusing on the aural. The music and the gentle movement of the train almost sends me to sleep, but the arrival at the station soon brings me back to stark reality. This is not going to help me climb out of the pit, but at least provides a temporary respite where I can imagine that all is well, and that I am a different person in a different place. As Lewis Caroll said in Alice in Wonderland, “Imagination is the only weapon in the war against reality”.
In light on the awful attacks of yesterday, my struggles are incomparable to the friends and families who lost loved ones, and those that are severely injured. In my writings I can only talk about my own feelings, and it is never intended to be compared to other people who are suffering much worse than I am. I just wanted to make that clear.