Updates

Firstly, I wanted to say a big thankyou. To date I’ve had over 1600 views of my blog posts, and over 1000 visitors to the site. This is incredibly humbling, and also very encouraging, as when I started this project back in January it was initially as an outlet for myself, and I never anticipated the support I’ve received. It certainly confirms to me that I made the right decision opening up in this way, and inspires me to do bigger and better things in the future.

One of the most satisfying aspects of doing the blog has been the messages and comments I have received from people, in particular those personally affected by depression and anxiety. I received this comment recently on one of my blogs by hopingandmunching

“Hello, just wanted to let you know that I relate to your thoughts. I have also struggled with depression and anxiety for many years. I get hopeful that it will finally get better, only to have those hopes crushed by another relapse. But don’t give up hope, even if you feel like you are slipping again. I think it’s important that we are kind to ourselves and forgive ourselves, and this will help our progress. I hope that you succeed and find richness and meaning in life that we miss our on because of this”

Its incredibly rewarding that people feel they are able to open up, and share their stories, and is again justifies to myself that the blog is a positive thing to be doing. The only way of tackling this illness is by getting people talking, and feeling comfortable in opening up about their experiences, and its great to see the evidence of this.

On another note, next week is Mental Health Awareness Week. This yearly event originated in 2000, and each year there is a different focus, for example anxiety, sleep deprivation and exercise. In the spotlight this year is relationships, and the importance of embracing and maintaining them to promote better mental health, and this description from The Mental Health Foundation explains why its such an important topic:

“We believe we urgently need a greater focus on the quality of our relationships. We need to understand just how fundamental relationships are to our health and wellbeing. We cannot flourish as individuals and communities without them. In fact, they are as vital as better-established lifestyle factors, such as eating well, exercising more and stopping smoking.

We are lobbying national governments, public bodies and employers to promote good relationships and to tackle the barriers to forming them, including mounting pressures on work–life balance and the impact of bullying and unhealthy relationships.

But we have a challenge for the public too. We are asking everyone to go the extra mile in prioritising their relationships. We are calling on people to make a relationship resolution: to assess how much time we actively commit to building and maintaining good relationships, and to ask whether we can invest more in being present with and listening to friends, family and colleagues.”

Check out their website for information on events happening around the country, and how you can help contribute to this truly worthwhile cause.

Finally for updates, the other day I took part in the filming that I mentioned a few weeks ago in a previous blog. ITV are hosting a Disability Confident conference in July which aims to:

• challenge attitudes towards disability
• increase understanding of disability
• remove barriers to disabled people and those with long term health conditions in employment
• ensure that disabled people have the opportunities to fulfil their potential and realise their aspirations

I was asked to film a VT which will be shown at the conference, in which I talk about my experiences with depression, as well as what challenges it poses within the workplace, and how ITV has been instrumental in supporting me through the last few years of difficult times. It was filmed on the Good Morning Britain set and I was terrified: the lights, microphone and cameras were extremely intimidating, and I was sweating buckets, despite the fact the studio was air conditioned! It was all a bit of a blur, and I can’t even remember the specifics of what I said, but if it helps people in anyway, then all the nerves will be totally worth it. It all goes back to the importance of raising awareness, getting people talking, and instilling a network of support which will prove so crucial. Building and supporting relationships are the only way that this illness can be beaten. And it can be beaten. It will be beaten.

A Stormy Mind

I’m conscious that my blog posts are predominantly focused on the ‘down times’, or moments when I’m struggling and in despair. This isn’t because of a universal absence of positive moments, but merely because the focus of the blog was intended to be those times when things seem out of control, or I’m in distress or turmoil, and need to try and express myself to gain an understanding of what is going on. I just wanted to clarify that, as I don’t want people to think ‘here he goes whinging again’!

Since my blog If You Want The Rainbow, You’ve Got To Put Up With The Rain from the 24^th April, in which I detailed one the lowest points in my journey so far, I enjoyed a slight respite for about 5 days in which I felt a bit better, more myself, able to laugh, and consequently kidded myself into thinking that I was back on track again. However, last weekend things took a turn for the worse again, and I slipped back under, the weight pulling me down. I assume that maybe the rope that I mentioned in that previous blog was not strong enough, and broke in two just as I was being pulled up. It appears a stronger rope is needed.

So another visit to the doctors followed, and I was signed off work for a week. This inspired the familiar feelings of failure, weakness and desperation to set in, as well as the deep sense of helplessness. The doctor presented me with a form (one which I have been given more times than I’ve had cake – and that’s a lot) in which there are 10 questions for which you have to state how often they have applied to you in the last 7 days. For example:

(1) Little interest or pleasure in doing things?
(2) Feeling down, depressed, or hopeless?
(3) Trouble falling or staying asleep, or sleeping too much?
(4) Feeling tired or having little energy?
(5) Poor appetite or overeating?

You get the idea…

My frustration was probably palpable to the doctor, although he didn’t show it. I don’t need to fill in a patronising form such as this to gauge how I’m feeling. It really does cement in my mind the lack of help out there on the NHS (which I have mentioned in previous blogs), and the fact that he didn’t even glance at the completed questionnaire, merely placing it in a file, added to my sense of dismay. Is this form the best they can offer, and the best help I can hope for? I realise they are just doing their job, but they need to realise that hope is such a powerful weapon against depression, and by trivialising the illness (again, just my opinion) with forms such as this, it turns that hope into hopelessness.

I’m due to return to work on Wednesday, and am determined not to let this leave of absence descend into the lengths it has in the past. During these difficult times I sometimes need time away to regroup, to try and lift myself up, and to recover a state of mind which allows me to function at my optimum level, not to mention to recharge the batteries which sleepless nights and endless worrying deplete to a dangerously low level. However, I realise that any longer time off than this can actually have the reverse effect, and lead to further negative feelings, and a downward trajectory, due to the isolation, lack of purpose and absence of human interaction.

A final element that I wanted to mention, and which I have pertained to on numerous occasions, is the predilection for negative thoughts to infest the mind during these troubled times, and which are undoubtedly heightened during periods of solitude such as during sickness leave. One of the most significant of these is the feeling of being cut off, of not being in peoples minds, or the assumption that people don’t care about you. Of course these are nonsense, and a rational mind would correctly state that people are busy, stressed themselves, or merely don’t know what to say for the best, thinking that I may wish to be left alone. As stated before, the depressed mind filters only the negative thoughts and the worst case scenarios, rather than these more rational explanations. Still, the fact that I can rationalise this doesn’t mean I can adhere to its hypothesis, as throughout these arduous episodes, rationalism doesn’t come into it, only emotion. Which again proves why I need to go back to work, because the longer I’m isolated and incommunicado, the more my mind will gain enormous pleasure from telling myself that I’m alone and friendless, when I know this is as far from the truth as its possible to be.

Whilst I’m still feeling pretty low, I know that sitting at home isn’t going to help, so whatever state my mind is in come Wednesday, I’m willing to go into battle once again. In my blog from 24^th April I suggested that a rainbow will follow the rain, but maybe that was slightly premature. A rainbow will follow the rain, but sometimes the rain pounds harder, the thunder bangs louder and the lightening strikes fiercer, before that rainbow comes out. Back then the storm was just brewing, lets hope now there’s no rain left to fall and the sun can come out.

If You Want The Rainbow, You’ve Got To Put Up With The Rain

This week has been bad…excruciatingly bad. I’ve not felt as low as this in a long while, and by Friday it got to a point where I was in danger of spiraling down so far that it would prove extremely difficult to get back up again. Sometimes these phases have a recognisable trigger, whereas on other occasions they seemingly arrive from nowhere, like rain springing up on a bright and sunny day. In this instance it was a bit of both. There certainly was a trigger of sorts (which I’m not going to go into here), although I was already struggling and teetering on the edge, and consequently it only required a gentle push for me to fall in. It’s incredibly easy to be pulled down, but desperately difficult to get back up again, and requires a superhuman amount of effort.

When in these difficult periods it feels like I’m a different person, and that the real James has been kidnapped. Normally I thrive on having fun at work, making people laugh, and generally trying to make people happy. However, when the mist descends, and the darkness creeps in, it feels like I am looking at everything from far far away, and all I want to do is be alone, invisible, and slip under the radar. Depression is cruel as it takes away a persons true identity, and instead creates a defeated, tired, hopeless impression of a person, one without any fire in the belly, and very little fight left to carry on. It’s not the real me that I despise, its this false, hijacked manifestation.

The things that normally make me happy instead become a cause of sadness, anxiety, frustration and the sensation of feeling bereft of any hope. For example, going out with friends at work for lunch, or drinks in the evening, is usually a cause for happiness and enthusiasm, and something to look forward to. However when the depression hits, these events actually cause pain and anguish, and thus have the reverse effect from what they are intended to have. Seeing people laughing, socialising or having fun causes a sense of unfounded jealousy and bitterness. Why can’t I be like that, why can’t I be included and why is everyone else having able to be happy? These thoughts are entirely unjustified, because of course its not me that is being excluded, but in fact I am the one excluding everyone else, pushing away the very people that can make me better. Another one of depressions’ evil characteristics…it forces away the people that you need at the times when you need them the most.

It’s impossible in the these dark moments to prevent thoughts entering the mind, infesting every corner of the brain, even if they have no credence, or are utterly unjustified:

Why can’t I be happy?
Will anyone every love me for who I am?
Why can’t I go back and start my life again, with all its hope and potential?
What can I do to get myself out of this hole?
Do people actually like me or care about me?
Does my depression put people off me?

These thoughts pollute the mind, clouding your judgement, and ensuring that it becomes even more difficult to pull yourself out of the hole you find yourself in. I find on a personal level that they cause me to reach out to people, purely for the fact that I know that I can’t get out of the pit without someone throwing me a rope.

It may take 3 days, 3 weeks or 3 months, but I always eventually pull myself free and am able to get back to my normal self. I’m not sure how I manage this really, it just seems to happen. Much of the time I simply need to get away from everything for a few days to clear my mind, and cleanse the soul. It’s a process where you have to remain patient, and know that however deeply you become trapped, there is always a way out. The one thing I would say, is that if you know anyone with depression, or similar, never be afraid to talk to them about it, or ask how they are, especially if you can sense they are in a bad place. Loneliness is one of the biggest issues during these difficult periods, as you feel like no one cares about you, and therefore the realisation that people do actually care about you and your wellbeing, can some times be all it takes to set you back on the road again.

I’m not quite out of the pit yet, but I can at least see the rope being lowered down, and that is certainly a start. This week I’m being filmed at ITV about my experiences of mental health, and so that is giving me some positivity as it could be quite a cathartic process, whilst also hopefully helping and inspiring others. I am pretty nervous…i’m much more comfortable on the other side of the camera! But it will give me something to focus my energy on. I’m not naive enough to think this may be the last painful slump, and I’m sure I will have worse ones, but the hope each time is that it will get longer and longer between each episode. You have to dig deep and try and find a glimmer of belief that things will get better. After all, whilst the rain and clouds may fill the sky, and be the only thing that you can see, you have to try and remember that once they clear, then the sun will shine through. And very often a rainbow will follow the rain.

Missed Opportunities

As is my nature, and the essence of my illness, I often find myself contemplating the past, and analysing certain events . This can take the form of nostalgic trips back to childhood, or recollecting the stress and pressure that exam season created. The most significant subject of my reminiscences is that of the many opportunities and possibilities that my illness has taken away from me. As repeatably touched upon in my blogs, depression and anxiety purposefully garner negative thinking patterns, and as a consequence, these missed opportunities become the focus of the mind, rather than any achievements or positive events that may have occurred. Even a nostalgic ramble down memory lane is not immune to these negative thoughts, as a happy memory induces hypothetical questions such as “why can’t I be happy now?”, or “why can’t I go back to those days when I had everything ahead of me?”. Its these questions that force their way to the forefront of my mind, rather than allowing a joyful recollection of a happier time.

The aforementioned missed opportunities take  a variety of forms, and conjure up a multitude of emotions; regret, dejection, frustration and a deep sense of sadness. I have arranged many activities or events in the past, such as going to music gigs, school reunions, nights out with friends, and trips away. When arranging them I was full of enthusiasm, and a significant sense of optimism. However, I’ve lost count of the number of occasions that as the event has got closer, I have canceled or said I’m ill, just because the anxiety was too much to bear. I even returned after less than 24 hours from a music festival as it got too much for me, and I needed to escape from the situation that was causing me so much discomfort. This leads to a deep sense of guilt for letting people down, as well as shame that I am unable to achieve even these most basic of feats.

Jobs and career opportunities have also been affected. When I was in my mid to late teens I quit a couple of jobs after only a few days as a result of being so riddled with anxiety, and needing to shut myself away from people, which of course had the detrimental consequence of it becoming even more  difficult to push myself out and try and conquer my fears. The fact that this has improved significantly since my late teens/early twenties is certainly encouraging, and I’ve achieved things that I would never have dreamed of being able to; moving on my own to London, holding down long term jobs, making friends and interacting with people on a daily basis. Whilst these are the most basic of human endeavors, for me they are significant achievements, and certainly seemed a million miles away when I left school.

Perhaps the most heartbreaking missed opportunities involve people, such as friendships that dwindled away because I wasn’t able to battle through the anxiety pain barrier, and took the easier way out of hiding myself away. Also there has been the inability to make the deeper connections of a relationship which may have been that spark that could have changed the course of my life, and set me on that road to happiness and fulfillment.

Whilst I have admitted to myself that things are undeniably better than they were 10 or 15 years ago, and the James from 2016 is unrecognisable from the one in 2000, the illness still means I can only present myself with regrets, and ponder the ‘what if’s’. If I hadn’t had this illness, could I have achieved more, fulfilled my potential, made longer lasting connections with people, and been able to enjoy the moments in life that make it worth living? Of course any rational person would say that you can’t do anything about the past, and should instead focus on all of the opportunities that the future holds, and they of course would be correct. However my brain is not set up to find that an easy way of thinking, and I am constantly dragged against my will into the past, and to the conclusion that I have missed out on the best years of my life.

“Life is short. Love someone, spread happiness, laugh as much as possible. Forgive and forget, live the life without regret.”

The above quote is from Anurag Prakash Ray. I see it as a description of the ideal, the holy grail that everyone aspires to find, and I postulate that if I fulfilled all of those suggested life goals, then I would be a step closer to finding happiness…in fact we all would. Alas that the ‘Black Dog’ refuses to make it easy for me. But that won’t stop me trying.

Crazy Little Thing Called Love

If asked what is significant about the month of May, it’s likely that you will conjure up images of long bank holiday weekends, visits to the beach, the release of the latest superhero blockbuster, evenings that seem to go on forever, and a warm glow inside that comes with the heralding of summer. However, May also signals another event, one that many people are unaware of. From 16^th-22^nd May it is Mental Health Awareness Week, a 7 day programme of events and information from the Mental Health Foundation, tasked with raising awareness and getting people talking. Check out this link for more information.

I must confess that I was ignorant of this project, despite the fact that the first Mental Health Awareness Week was 16 years ago. From doing a bit of research I’ve discovered that each year focuses on a different aspect of mental health, and this year it will place relationships in the spotlight. According to the website, “healthy and supportive relationships reduce the risk of mental ill-health. This Mental Health Awareness Week we are celebrating the connections, the relationships, the people in our lives that add to our wellbeing and protect and sustain our mental health. From family and friends, to colleagues and neighbours; taking notice of those connections that make you feel safe and supported.”

I recognise that I’ve concentrated on relationships, and also the idea of loneliness, in previous blogs, but its such a relevant and crucial facet of the illness, that I feel it can’t be examined too many times. As you can see from above, its just just romantic relationships, but also that of friends and colleagues, and also the wider community of mental illness sufferers. Relationships are the most important thing in our lives, and without them, we would not survive. Over 90% of people who commit suicide have a mental illness, and I don’t think it’s a huge leap to state that loneliness is a major contributing factor. I’ve never considered ending my life, but I would certainly say that my lowest moments have been when I have felt isolated, unloved or alone, whether literally alone, or alone on the inside and feeling disconnected from those around me.

If I take the last 7 days, which contain the usual peaks and troughs of my mood, the best moments are when I have been around friends and colleagues (which happen to be one and the same thing). Simple pursuits such as making someone laugh gives me a huge boost internally, which I predict is as a result of creating that connection with another human being, and perceiving that you can have a positive impact on them. The correlation between mood and the presence of other people cannot be a coincidence. The problem however, is that when a downward spiral begins, all you want is to shut yourself away from everyone, and its too exhausting to socialise or be in the presence of the very people that make you happy. How unfair is it that the one thing that will make you content, is the one thing you can’t have when feeling depressed? It feels like the illness is laughing at you, knowing full well that its stopping you from having the one thing you need. This cruel contradiction is a source of great frustration and despondency, that consequently can only lead to further feelings of hopelessness and regret.

As this article proposes, and as I touched upon earlier, loneliness is not just the product of finding oneself physically alone or isolated. Mark Rowland advocates that “many of us have experienced loneliness in the context of a busy office or lively party. It is about quality of relationships, not just quantity. And we now know that loneliness has significant implications for our mental health.” I can regularly feel detached or withdrawn when sat at my desk, on the tube, out for drinks, or at a party. For me personally the physical loneliness isn’t the most prevalent adversity, by virtue of the fact that I’ve never been a big socialiser, and cherish the quiet life and my own company. For me it’s the internal loneliness which is gut wrenching, and which drains me of all hope, motivation and strength. When you are feeling desolate and hopeless, seeing something as simple as friends laughing, a couple kissing, or a family playing in the park can spark such strong emotions within, and such a deep yearning to have what they possess, and to feel like you belong, that it can be as infuriating as it is melancholic.

More than ever I crave that one strong connection, that person who I can love and who can love me in return for who I am, as I feel that only then can I truly be happy. It recent months it has felt closer than it ever has been, but my negative disposition always feeds the notion of being ‘too good to be true’. One consideration that I have attempted to heed, but yet which still challenges me and holds me back, is the concept of loving oneself. I have always had little or no confidence in myself, and how others view me, and at times I have felt worthless and unlovable. However it has slowly begun to dawn on me that the only way to find love elsewhere is to first love who you are, as how can you expect someone else to love you if you are unable to? Whilst it’s a challenge, and I’m not close to embracing the philosophy fully as yet, I’m always mindful of Patricia Fry’s following words, which I will finish with:

“An intimate relationship does not banish loneliness. Only when we are comfortable with who we are can we truly function independently in a healthy way, can we truly function within a relationship. Two halves do not make a whole when it comes to a healthy relationship: it takes two wholes.”

Holding The Black Dog At Bay

I’m very conscious that most, if not all, of my blog posts have been scribed when I have been feeling down or hopeless. One of the many facets of the illness is that you focus on the negatives, and ignore any positives, and therefore I guess its inevitable that the ratio of optimistic versus pessimistic blog posts is so one sided. Someone pointed out to me the other day that it would be useful to note down what happens when I’m feeling more positive and upbeat, as this will be a valuable record to look back on when I’m feeling particularly low. What was happening on that day which caused me to feel more positive? Why was I not feeling as discouraged as usual? Can I use any of my findings and put them into action when I’m feeling especially depressed or anxious?

I’m not entirely sure of the reasons for my more upbeat state of mind in the last day or two, but I can hazard a guess at a number of factors:

(1) My bronchitis, which has been dragging my down for the last few weeks, has finally started to subside. I’ve felt dreadful for the duration of the illness, as its been difficult to breathe, and the cough has been intensely painful. As with getting over any illness, you can’t help but feel positive that you have seen the back of it.

(2) The aforementioned bronchitis has ensured that I have been unable to visit the gym at all for the last few weeks, and therefore I’ve been feeling decidedly inactive and restless. Today I was able to return, and had an intensive workout, which made me feel less guilty about the lack of exercise recently, and also precipitated the inevitable good vibes that come from the release of endorphins.

(3) Last night I met some good friends who I haven’t seen in a long time. It was a lovely evening, and we laughed, joked and reminisced about past times. It reinforced to me the importance of friends, and interacting with other people. Whilst the illness often negates this basic human characteristic, it proves that if it can be achieved, then the results are immensely positive, and allows you to fight back at the illness. Depression doesn’t want to you to have any semblance of happiness, and consequently if you do have a moment of contentment or hopefulness, you are in a sense defeating it, albeit until the next time it strikes.

(4) I’ve felt more of myself at work in the last few days, which is inevitable as a consequence of the previous points mentioned. Everyone I work with I consider friends, as well as colleagues, and hence when I’m feeling well in myself, and have managed to seek out some optimistic state of mind, it is a genuinely pleasurable environment to spend my time in. It helps greatly that everyone in my team knows about my illness, and thus there is no awkwardness or shying away from the realities of it.

(5) I’ve now got a few days off, and am looking forward to participating in some of the activities that I enjoy, but which depression effectively strips any pleasure from. Simple things like reading, going to the cinema, working out, going for a walk in the park. Points 1-4 in this list certainly contribute to being able to do this, as well as other factors that I probably don’t even recognise. Normally when the weekend swings around there is initially the inevitable ‘Friday Feeling’ that everyone experiences, but as soon as Saturday morning raises its head, the usual feelings of lethargy, hopelessness, lonliness and anxiety come rushing through the door. It’s nice therefore to actually be able to look forward to a few days rest, and hopefully a time to recharge the batteries, as the last few weeks have been physically and emotionally draining.

This is my no means an exhaustive list, but it will hopefully give me something to reflect upon when the inevitable slide downwards happens. Because it will. It may be in a few weeks time, or a few days time, or even in a few hours time. There is no stopping it. The doors have been boarded up for now, and the shutters on the windows pulled down. But depression is persistent, strong, and stubborn. The only thing that you can do is try and enjoy the moments when its at arms bay, and quite possibly the more times that this is achieved, the more tired and bored the ‘Black Dog’ will become. Maybe one day it will leave forever, its tail between its legs. But for now if I can at least hold it at bay for a few days, then that surely is a positive. I’ll take that any day of the week.

Sharing Is Caring

Last night was a particularly low one for me, and on top of that I was exhausted (the two go together hand in hand). When I woke up I checked the blog, to try and get a bit of inspiration, and therefore I wanted to focus today on a few of the comments I have received, which have both touched and inspired me. Part of my decision to do this blog was to communicate my thoughts and experiences, and also to bring together people in similar situations, as well as hopefully being a source of help and encouragement. So please do follow this blog to receive updates (link on the right hand side) or send the link to friends or family members who you think it may help.

There are two areas I wanted to concentrate on today, both of which I don’t think people consider that frequently…in fact I didn’t until I read these two comments. The first comment was in response to my blog on loneliness and isolation ‘But Honey I was Lonely On the Road, I was all on my own‘, and it came from Joanne who articulated the following:

“I believe loneliness is a huge factor in the feeling of anxiety and depression. It is not only an outer loneliness but an inner loneliness that can be extreme. I suffered from terrible depression and anxiety, then I met my partner and more importantly I had my children, I never suffered with these feelings again. The inner loneliness was gone and my children filled that horrible emptiness I once felt inside. I was told by professionals that I would always suffer with depression and would be on medication for the rest of my life. I haven’t taken medication for 10 years now. I am happy. I don’t suffer from depression. My children saved my life, literally.”

This is a truly inspiring tale, and contains a concept that I had never previously contemplated: the fact you can better. It also vindicates my notion from my previous blog that friendships and relationships are “the only thing that truly matters.” The fact that Joanne’s relationship with her children and partner could quite literally change her life, and bypass the horrible medication that we are often given, is extraordinary. Of course I’m in no way pronouncing that its as simple as that, and that this would happen to everyone, as that does a disservice to the complexity of mental health. But the fact that it has happened to Joanne, is surely a message of hope and encouragement?

The second comment is from Grooving Time which was made in response to my blog ‘Home Alone: Lost In Your Thoughts’ which focused on living by oneself, and how this can affect depression and anxiety. Grooving Time underlines another issue that is oft overlooked, which is the concept of suffering from depression, and also living with someone who also endures the same illness:

“While thinking about what you said about living alone or with someone and all that thing about how your depression also affects your family/friends, I thought I should share something about my life that you don’t see much out there. I have depression and live with my mother, who also has depression, and we’re not close to our family, so we kind of only have each other. It’s hard sometimes, because when she’s not well, I have to do my best to help her, and the same when it happens to me, but when we both are struggling with it and won’t leave our bedrooms, it can be very suffocating. I’m very young, I’m in high school, and I always try to do my best to help both me and her, even when I don’t feel that well. It’s pretty hard, you know? I don’t think many people live in the same situation I do, and, like you said, living alone can me pretty difficult, but living with someone who suffers from the same thing you do is very complicated. But anyway, your words have been helping a little, so thank you. I made a blog of my own to try to write about the same topic and some other stuff that were the cause of my depression, I just hope I can do it as well as you’re doing. Keep up with the good work.”

Grooving Time here gives prominence to a contrasting type of loneliness and isolation from the variety analysed in a previous blog. This feeling of seclusion and detachment is one which exists despite the presence of another person within the household. I can’t comprehend how challenging it is dealing not only with your own struggles, but that of a loved one. When you are desperately struggling and feeling in turmoil, you are sapped of all energy, and so the emotional strength to care for another person is unquantifiable in its difficulty. She is doing a fantastic and inspiring job, and was very brave telling her story.

Both of these examples again demonstrate how complex and intricate mental health is. There is no black and white answers, only a grey void of misunderstandings and misconceptions, and the only way in which this can change is to educate people as fully as possible about this complicated issue, and by the likes of Joanne and Grooving Time sharing their stories, a big step can be taken. Both of these narratives highlight to me how many people there are out there suffering, or having suffered in the past, with depression and anxiety. If this blog can help advocate gaining a better understanding of the illness, and also provide a sounding board in which sufferers can support and advise one other, then it will make the difficulty of opening up utterly worthwhile.

“But Honey I Was Lonely On The Road, I Was All On My Own”

I read a very intelligent and pertinent article this morning by Andrew Solomon, written in the Guardian a few years ago. The link can be found here.

It identifies one of the key aspects of depression: loneliness. Solomon describes depression as “a disease of loneliness” and that “many untreated depressives lack friends because it saps the vitality that friendship requires and immures its victims in an impenetrable sheath, making it hard for them to speak or hear words of comfort”.

From my experience, depression (and anxiety for that matter), can have a huge impact on friendships and relationships. It can cause isolation and a feeling of loneliness, both literal and mental, that comes with the inevitable sapping of energy, hope, enthusiasm and passion associated with the illness, and a need to shut oneself away, as well as the formidable barriers that both depression and anxiety put up against forming relationships or intimacy.

Solomon theorises that many people “are desperate for love, but don’t know how to go about finding it, disabled by depression’s tidal pull toward seclusion”. I thinks its relevant to highlight the fact that its not always literal isolation or loneliness. You don’t need to be sat in a room on your own to feel desolate, or have no friends or family in the world. I love Solomon’s phrase “We are imprisoned even in crowded cities and at noisy parties”. Quite often you can be in a room of people, at the office, with a group of friends, at a party etc, and feel detached, unconnected, removed and in a deep well of sadness. Stephen fry in his blog on loneliness (link) states that “loneliness is the most terrible and contradictory of my problems…. it’s a lose-lose matter. I don’t want to be alone, but I want to be left alone”. How can an illness that makes you want/need to be alone, also make you hate and fear being alone? It doesn’t seem fair.

I guess everyone’s goal is to find love and happiness, but depression can make this impossibly difficult, due to the barriers you put up, the crippling anxiety rippling through the body, and the fact that the bubble of isolation and seclusion doesn’t want to give you up without a fight. Solomon describes depressions “universal bleakness and the bleaker reality of suffering without the cushion of love” and proffers the idea of the “authentic intimacy that comes with sharing your life’s challenges with someone who cares – who will be sad because you are sad, happy because you feel joy, worried if you are unwell, reassuring if you are hopeless”. Without this love or intimacy is can be a difficult road, as you can’t see an end, a goal, or a point, and this results in you being two steps back before you have even started.

Solomon ends by stating that “many of us are more alone than we need to be, living in gratuitous exile. Friendship is an impulse encoded deep within us, but it is also a skill, and skills can be both taught and learned”. For most people, friendships and love and relationships are as natural as breathing or eating, but for a large number of people with depression/anxiety, it can be a higher state, a Nirvana, that always seems out of grasp, but which at the end of the day, is the only thing that truly matters.